


Salt in her lips

by PrincessAmericaChavez



Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Angst, Drowning, Emotional Hurt, F/M, First Kiss, Love Triangles, Pining, Underwater, Unrequited Crush, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-02
Updated: 2018-11-02
Packaged: 2019-08-16 16:11:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 937
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16498781
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PrincessAmericaChavez/pseuds/PrincessAmericaChavez
Summary: Sex is just sex. A kiss is just a kiss. Sometimes, it’s not even a kiss. Then, why does it hurt so much?





	Salt in her lips

It doesn’t hit Jester until much later when she’s laying flat on her bed in the ship, the darkness around her filled only by her friends’ calm breathing. Her eyelids feel heavy, threatening to fall and drag her into the deep sleep her body is begging for, but she fights the exhaustion off stubbornly. Fjord hasn’t come back yet, and she can’t fall asleep without knowing he’s alright. Avantika is too unpredictable, too dangerous, too  _interested_ in him. She needs to know he came back alright before she can sleep.

She’s worried. She’s been for a long time now. From the second Fjord dove into that pool with Avantika, disappearing into the water away from her eyes, from her reach, from whatever little magic she had left. Her mind had turned into a frantic turmoil of anxiety, panic, and desperation. Waiting for him to come back, fighting their way out of the temple, rushing through the thick jungle, barely making it to the ship alive.

Only now can she think back to it all, order it in her head as she would in her sketchbook if she had any energy left to draw.

In the empty silence, she remembers the dark oppressing waters closing around her, the burn in her empty lungs as she fought off the instinct to take a breath, the way her muscles spasmed desperately in a last attempt to find the surface. She remembers, distinctly, the stark realization that this was it, that she had nowhere to go, that she was going to drown, the panic that hit her as the edges of her vision began to darken and she was an instant away from giving up. 

The next thing she remembers is the touch of Fjord’s hands, strong and calloused, holding her face with such tenderness that she was convinced it was only a dream. Then, his mouth crashing against hers with something that nearly resembled hunger. Jester remembers the way panic vanished for a second, turning into shock, into confusion, into emotions she has no name for.

Jester knows it wasn’t a kiss. She knows because it’s not how she thinks a first kiss should happen. She knows because she felt him blow air into her lungs a second later, giving her the seconds of clarity she needed to survive. She knows because she still can’t bring herself to believe Fjord would  _kiss_ her.

Her body, on the other hand, doesn’t know these things. As she remembers, her heart hammers inside her chest, like it’s trying to wake everyone in the room with its excited clamoring. Jester brings her hands up, touches her lips lightly as she remembers how Fjord’s mouth felt against hers, the gentleness of his lips, the soft brush of his teeth (his tusks slightly rougher against her lower lip), the warmth of his breath. She licks her lips and tastes salt. It’s probably just a trace of the sea water she nearly drowned in, but in her head, it tastes like him.

Her mind keeps replying every second of that moment, especially the first few instants before he shared his last breath with hers when it was just his mouth against hers and her body replied to what it believed to be a kiss. One single beautiful instant in which the world seemed so wonderful that she thought she for sure must have been dead.

But it wasn’t a kiss, right? It probably wasn’t. She wishes she knew. She wishes she could ask him, roll over and whisper her doubts as she has done so many times before, but Fjord isn’t here. He’s in Avantika’s room. He’s having a glass of wine with her. He’s been gone for over an hour now. That’s probably more than one glass of wine. Probably. 

She knows what Avantika’s invitation meant. She’s known what she wants from the first second. She has seen her mother act the same way with her clients. 

Sex is just sex, Marion used to tell her, just like a kiss, it doesn’t always mean love. It usually doesn’t. Don’t let your heart be confused by it.

But her heart  _is_ confused, it’s racing again in her chest at the thought, painfully so. It’s like drowning all over again. She can’t breathe, her throat is closed with a knot that burns, her sight is blurred by tears.

She spends a long time like this, bouncing between sleep, bliss, and fear until the faintest sound makes her ears twitch. From the corner of her eye, she can see Fjord walking into the room,  _sneaking in,_ like a thief in the night. He climbs into his bed without a word. She doesn’t dare move.

“Sleep well with your bad decisions,” Caduceus’s whispered words barely reach her ears. 

Jester’s eyes burn, worse than they did with the ocean’s salt water. She rolls over to her side, facing away from the others, barely fast enough to bury her face into her pillow and stifle a silent sob. Sex is just sex. A kiss is just a kiss. Sometimes, it’s not even a kiss. Then, why does it hurt so much? She holds on to her Traveler sigil, quietly prays for him to get rid of the sadness overcoming her, but she gets no answer. She feels alone.

_Sometimes, it’s the most beautiful things that can hurt you the worst,_ her own words echo in her ears.

The stabbing pain in her chest stays there until she passes out from exhaustion. She dreams she’s drowning, in confusion, in anger, in sorrow, but this time there’s no one there to breathe for her.


End file.
